Masquerade

Hello my wonderful people!

I apologize for taking so long!

I have pretty much forgo-ed

the new year posting :)

one similar to it may come later :)

I frankly haven't been in a mood

to blog lately

or had anything that wonderful

to write about.

I am still dealing with some difficult things

in my life that are fresh on my mind always.

But I felt like I should share this one with you.

Kind of continuing with what my

"When The Time Comes" post said,

I found a new song that can put where

I find myself in perfect words.

Even as I write this,

I am listening to it

Over and Over again.

It's called Masquerade,

Sung by Seventh Day Slumber.

(my friend Charisse lent me this CD

and I have fallen in love with this song,

Thanks Charisse :))

but please listen to it.

Its not a popular song but it is wonderful.

here are the Lyrics:

"I don't know what to think about me anymore,

Cause I am still the same as always.

Here I am again, that same old broken man.

I can't make it on my own.

I need You.

Chorus:

And I am not afraid of anything anymore.

And I am not ashamed, the masquerade has ended.

And I will stand for You even if I lose it all.

Cause nothing really matters,

You are all that matters, Lord.

As messed up as I am, still You bring me in.

You take me in Your arms and hold me.

The worthlessness I feel, You make it disappear.

You are always there, You're endless.

(Chorus)

I don't know what to think about me anymore.

Cause I am still the same as always."

http://apps.facebook.com/ilike/library?uid=509139273&view=custom_playlist&pid=1017793208

(I have this song in one of my playlists...

thats the only way i can link it to here for you to hear it :))

Lately, I have uncovered a sort of inner monster.

I have realized that I believed

the indescribable worth I can find

In Christ alone,

was something i only believed in my Mind,

and not my heart.

I have let the words of people

penetrate my heart

or even the lack there of,

(kind of a

"if you don't have anything nice to say,don't say anything"

thing)

and it has become a poison.

it has affected how I react to people

and even how I react to compliments.

I have let it tear me down.

At this point,

I am looking to my Loving Savior

to make the change.

To help me find this worth in my Heart

To fight these years of bitter poison in my heart

and let Him reign.

I believe we all wear masks at times.

This is my preverbial "end to the Masquerade"

I admit that I am messed up

I admit that I don't have it all together.

I admit that I don't know who I am.

I admit that I am broken.

I admit that I am fighting worthlessness.

But I am not alone.

I have my Savior who Delights in me.

Only He can win this horrendous battle within me.

I know this doesn't seem quite

Joyous or perky

but rather depressing,

but My Mask is off

and I want true Healing.

Will you take off your mask as well?

I have found that true fellowship and companionship

comes when the Masks are off.

When tears fall from our eyes.

when we want no one to see us.

when we are Ashamed.

When we are Real.

So to you,

I come Unmasked.

I would appreciate your prayers.

I have never been so grateful

for the people God has so

Wonderfully and Marvelously placed in my life.

I know it is by no mistake.

as Paul Says,

"I thank God in my rememberance of you."

I am so thankful for you.

In His Healing Love and Grace,

Amy :)

Dedicated to The Good Girls

Hello my readers! :)

K, so this one is mainly for my girl readers out there.

Yes, boys, you may read cuz it is relevant to you too.

Listen up and enjoy.

I found this on onetruth.com.

it's wonderful!

(a tad long but so worth it :))

update soon :)

Dedicated to the Good Girls

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixated upon their looks and theirs actions because it must be something they are doing wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe…maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and tear up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honour those girls who know that guys are just as sacred as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they’d rather not have experienced.

This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or just a comatose guy crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but wont because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words or kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe excuses because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if only you comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had.

This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little and who have learned to never expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share their lives, that girls play mind games, that girls keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chic” you’d met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once more for this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass them up on every step you take. Sometimes they go undercover; sometimes they go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt of the too tight miniskirt wont answer your catcalls, sometimes you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing – they might say they like the attention, they might blush and giggle and turn back to their friends, but they’re all thinking the same thing: “This isn’t me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a tee-shirt and flannel shorts, I’ll have slept alone and I’ll be making my hung-over best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me.” You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don’t want the nice girl… so don’t say you’re looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we’re willing to extend – but in return, they’re looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express.

Maybe nice guys finish last, but the nice girls are the ones waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

While the nice girls are waiting for that race to end, there fortunately IS enough chocolate, ice cream and your girl friends to help that wait seem shorter, and more like a journey to find “the one.”

Tell the Truth.

"Why do we always say we're fine,

when it's obviously we're lying?

Why don't we ever tell the truth,

what do we got to lose?"

- When The Time Comes, The Classic Crime

Hello my WONDERFUL readers!

I want you to STOP reading this for a moment...

LISTEN to this song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPAdIoNn5q4

A DEAR friend of mine,

BIANCA,

(she's prolly doing "HAPPY, EXCITING hands... :) )

Introduced me to this BAND

and I am more GRATEFUL that she did

because of THIS moment.

This song has been a product of GOD'S perfect timing.

This past week has been the HARDEST of my life.

One of my friends has been going through a very DIFFICULT time.

As a friend and a person who is very EMPATHETIC and

CARES very much about my friends,

this has been EXTREMELY hard on me.

if you have SEEN me in the past week,

you may have NOTICED I haven't been myself.

This is WHY.

I have come to BELIEVE that

if your INWARD emotions, etc.,

become visible OUTWARDLY,

there is a PROBLEM.

it wasn't until a DEAR friend here

POINTED this out to me

and we came to the CONCLUSION

that this was the CAUSE.

I am NOT blaming my friend.

I feel that blame is IRRELEVANT at this point and pointless.

Though HEALING will take much time for my friend,

and for a WHILE,

I thought it was the SAME for me,

SHARING in their pain and everything.

But the HEALING has begun.

The pain on my part is GONE.

I HURT for my friend

but not nearly as bad and CONSUMING

as it was BEFORE.

I am FREE.

I PRAY that they will be too.

Thank you very much for your PRAYERS.

Thank you for your GUIDANCE.

This whole EXPERIENCE has brought something to my attention.

Why cannot we be REAL?

A SWEET friend of mine here

told me that she had to get READY for something

after BREAKING down,

saying, "I am expected to be PERFECT."

What is this WORLD coming to?

Where we are EXPECTED to wear the MASK?

To HIDE our true selves?

What if we put ourselves OUT there,

REAL and VULNERABLE?

What if we ACCEPTED people,

FLAWED, IMPERFECT and yet BEAUTIFUL?

I think this would DRASTICALLY change the world.

People could know the TRUTH,

People could get the HELP they need,

People could LIVE!

I DREAM of this world.

I dream of UNCOVERING masks.

SHOWING people that who they are,

though the world may not ACCEPT them,

DON'T need man's approval

but RATHER have been

WRAPPED in the abundantly loving arms

of a FORGIVING SAVIOR.

This is what i DREAM of...

Will you JOIN me as I dream?

Will you help me make it a REALITY?

When you PASS by someone,

and THEY say:

"HI!"

and YOU respond with:

"Hi! How are YOU?"

and they SAY:

"GOOD! and you?"

YOU? you:

Tell them the HONEST truth!

I CHARGE you.

"What have we got to LOSE?"

Thank you for READING :)

This has been on my mind ALOT lately.

THought I would share it with the THREE people

who ACTUALLY read this :)

You all are a BLESSING to my life.

I LOVE you all and

I hope you know that you are LOVED.

ENJOY your PURPOSED Breaths

and Have a BEAUTIFULLY BLESSED day

DESPITE what it holds.

HIS,

Amy :)

Nothing without this All

HELLO! :)

It's been QUITE some time, hasn't it?

what? like two weeks, HUH?

too too LONG

But I haven't seemed to HAVE the time...

FIRST off,

Thanksgiving was WONDERFUL :)

GREAT time with family and friends.

At the SAME time though,

I REALIZED something...

BIG.

I have places I CALL home and everything.

But when I am AT those places,

I find myself LONGING to be elsewhere.

I have found no CONTENTMENT in where I am in place.

It was quite the DISAPPOINTING realization.

Inside I am still SEARCHING for that one place where I am fully content.

Right now, only ONE place can come to mind.

C. S. Lewis put it quite FITTINGLY:

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

I have felt very CLOSE to this verse recently,

not necessarily in instance of LOCATION,

but rather an instance of LIFE.

I find myself FOREIGN.

But Christ said I would be as an ALIEN to this world...

I NOW know the feeling...

It was GREAT to see everyone back home,

it was familiar and yet different and COMFORTABLE :)

If ANYONE back home reads this,

First off, THANKS for reading this,

secondly, I am BLESSED to have all of you in my life:)

I missed EVERYONE back here at CBU too.

It was like I left a LIFE back here.

I LOVE these people here,

I feel like God has PLACED them in my life

and they are an EXTREME blessing to me

especially through this VERY difficult semester.

This past week has been the HARDEST week I would say.

From getting LESS than 4 hours of sleep between Sunday and Monday night,

A 6 hour-long trip back to CBU to be to class that SAME morning,

To two papers and friends who have been in PAIN.

The last one really is not a PROBLEM for me

or one that those people should BLAME themselves for.

We did a STRENGTHS test for one of our Freshman classes,

I have the strength of EMPATHY.

What that means is that I CARE and

can practically FEEL

the pain/joy that others FEEL.

Kind of STRANGE, I know.

Its not ANYONE'S fault,

thats just how I'm WIRED.

I haven't found a steady BALANCE yet,

but am WORKING on that.

I know I may have WORRIED some of you,

but this is PRACTICALLY what has been bothering me.

I am blessed with EVERYONE who comes in my life

and not one of those people are in my life by MISTAKE.

Thank you for your ENCOURAGEMENT :)

Please keep in PRAYER myself and those who are in pain.

On a LIGHTER note,

I SURVIVED this week :)

I go HOME in 14 days :)

I also have wonderful FRIENDS both back home and at CBU :)

I don't know where I would be WITHOUT any of you.

I am also grateful for my FAMILY :)

you guys ROCK my socks :)

(yes... I do wear socks...) ;)

I serve a God whose love is ABUNDANT.

I serve a God who is in CONTROL.

I serve a God who UNDERSTANDS.

I serve a God who has a REASON.

I am HIS.

So with ALL that being said,

ALL of that...

my GOODNESS...

so LONG...

SAAAAARRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYY... (as "MYRA" says it :))

TREASURE each breath that you were given for a reason :)

LOVE you all and

THANK you so much for reading

Especially when I write freakin BOOKS like this :)

His,

Amy :)

SURPRISE!!!!!

Hey Everyone!!!

Here I am

Sitting on my COUCH.

At HOME.

That's right

HOME!!!

I know some of you think

that I wasn't going to be home

for Thanksgiving,

But SUPRISE!!!!!

I arrived in Loveland/Fort Collins

today around 7pm!

I actually made my mom CRY!

My brother wouldn't let GO

My sister told EVERYONE.

It made making up stories all worth it :)

For those of you who knew,

Who knew when my mom was in CALIFORNIA

and didn't BREATHE a WORD,

THANK YOU!!!

and to everyone else back home who knew

and didn't either :)

you guys are blessings.

It is pretty cold here.

The only downfall is that...

well my luggage got "delayed"

I had a transfer

it didn't.

It should be here by morning.

Good thing I used to live here :)

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving

and for my fellow classmates,

hope the last two days of school are a breeze :)

Enjoy and treasure the time with your family :)

Its like a twilight zone...

(no not the book/movie

though I really want to go see the movie :))

doo doo doo do doo doo doo doo :)

Soo all of you here in FOCO/<3land,>

I hope to see you soon :)

Enjoy your blessed and purposed day :)

From the twilight zone,

His,

Amy :D

My Way From Here

Its been QUITE some time.

Both since I WROTE on here,

(actually its only been a matter of DAYS)

and since one of my favorite artists released a NEW song!

MIKE HIRST is an amazing Indie musician and singer and artist!

It has been quite some TIME since he released a new song,

(not a bad thing, but I LOVE his tunes!)

which he offers for FREE,

as he does with ALL of his songs,

gaining NO PROFIT from his music or fans unless bought on iTunes.

He is AMAZING!

Has written so many BLESSINGS of songs!

He found ME on myspace

and i was like... "ummm nah..." BUT then i heard his music....

Guys CHECK him out!

he's GREAT! :)

He is so HUMBLE in what he does!

Ive TALKED to him a couple of times

and he has PROVEN to be very humble and personable.

all that to be SAID...

His new song, MY WAY FROM HERE,

GREAT!

check it OUT!

hirstmusic.com

he's ALSO on myspace and Facebook.

AWESOME :)

Thanks for putting up with me and my CRAZED fan RAVINGS.

thanks FAITHIE for the video!

it pretty much MADE my day!

Yay for CANCELLED classes and sleeping in :)

As ALWAYS, thanks for reading this :)

have a wonderful, Blessed, PURPOSED day!

Amy :)

Thoughts on Today

"LIVE in the Present."

"Today is ALL you have."

"Today is a GIFT, that's why they call it the PRESENT."

ever HEARD of these before?

I SURE have.

I BELIEVE them too.

but another THING.

Do you ever wonder WHY you have today?

WHY have you been GIVEN another day?

I have thought about this before.

I am NOT perfect.

WHY would a PERFECT GOD give me,

an IMPERFECT SPECK,

another DAY when I would most likely take it for GRANTED?

I am NOT trying to make you depressed.

If I am, my BAD.

There's HOPE.

TODAY is a PROMISE.

TODAY is a REASSURANCE.

It's like God said,

"my BELOVED SPECK, I'm not THROUGH with you yet."

Then He gives you your next BREATH.

Amazing, isn't it?

Each Breath, Each Day, Each Moment,

FULL OF PURPOSE.

I have had some pretty HARD days.

I've had some pretty UNEVENTFUL days.

But...

I have NEVER had a WASTED day.

Even in the PAIN,

God bestowed His LOVE and PROMISE.

Even in the BOREDOM,

God was BUSY, working in MY LIFE.

Even though I don't always SEE it,

GOD IS MOVING IN MY LIFE.

No matter what the day HOLDS,

It is BLESSED NONETHELESS.

BLESSED by the hand of GOD.

BLESSED with His PROMISES.

BLESSED with His PURPOSE for YOU.

BLESSED because even in the pain,

NOTHING IS WASTED.

so my friend,

HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

thank you for BLESSING MY LIFE and reading this.

His,

Amy :)