I Was Hungry; but Did You Feed Me?

I should be working on my reflection questions for Irresistible Revolution. They are due tomorrow.

I shouldn't be on Facebook; but I am. I guess that is a good thing because in me, my heart breaks. I found my way on a page for this group: http://www.facebook.com/photo_search.php?page=8&oid=8481112831&aid=-1&auser=&view=all#/group.php?gid=8481112831&ref=mf

The pictures broke my heart. I sit here, tapping on a computer that isn't mine, but provided by my extremely nice school. I have more than the clothes on my back and an extremely nice place to live. Before I was here, I ate in the cafeteria where tons of food is wasted each day. I am a hypocrite. I desire to follow Christ and help the world in need of so much. yet I cling and seek to acquire "crap" (as my pastor here in CA puts it) while others in the world cling desperately for their lives because they don't have clothes on their back, they don't have food to horde, and they don't have anyone willing to let go of their "crap" to hold them.

Why are we so blind? Day after day a complacent and wealthy "Christan" nation is shown in the news and through the Internet, the pain and moans of the world crying out for a savior. We know this Savior and we say nothing. We see the disturbing images of this broken world and then walk away and forget. We let the children go hungry and die. We let enemies rage war against the innocent. And we wonder what is wrong with the world and how GOD has let this happen. How have WE let this happen?! Our complacency and silence isn't doing anything, its killing.

We claim to be like Christ and believe what he says but if we really do that, then why do we not feed him? why don't we clothe him or give him a place to live?
Matthew 25:45 (MSG):
'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to me.'
(Matthew 25:34-46)

How can we look in their eyes and say that the stuff we hold in our hands is more important than they are? Can't we let the stuff go and hold them and prove that we love?

Let us Prove Love.
Let us let go of our "crap".
Let us Hold them.
Let us Feed them.
Let us clothe them.
let us LOVE them.
Let us LOVE Jesus.

Thanks for reading!
Amy :)

Blue Eyeshadow

I do this a lot, write a ton and then hit a dry spot.

[my journal is PERFECT example if this, now my blogs are too ;)]

So today I am wearing Blue eyeshadow. Mary Kay's Blue Metal to be specific. I am wearing a dress with jeans and skater shoes. pretty much breaking many "fashion" "rules" out there. I think its amazing. It's not how I look on the outside that matters, its on the inside. The New Testament and Christ's life seems to silently cheer for those who don't seem to follow the outer appearance rules.

What saddens me is that some people here at CBU have found a voice through the campus paper, The Banner. People who seem to hold more significance on how someone dresses, does their hair, or applies their makeup than how beautiful they are in Christ; on the inside. This breaks my heart and honestly, aggravates me to no end. I have been judged by my appearance often in my life. I don't say that I haven't judged based on appearances but it is a flaw that I despise.

There have been two instances of this fashion "advice. The last fashion article that the paper put out told people:

to spend time on their hair,

not to carry their purse AND backpack,

get a turtleneck,

not to wear too high of high heels,

not to wear Crocs unless you are 5,

not to wear sweats either (its apparently frumpy or makes people think you are lazy),

and to get your clothes altered.

To be honest, I think this is so sad. I honestly think that my time could be better spent reading my Bible (like Ps. 139 or other verses about how God sees beauty on the inside...) or spending time with people instead of OH, I don't know, curling, straightening, pining, or poofing my hair. I don't like turtlenecks, high heels and think Crocs are comfy. Sometimes I have "sweats" days and I don't care if my clothes don't fit PERFECTLY. My life isn't about how I should look.

Today I opened The Banner and there it was. Another full page of do's-and-don't's of fashion. This time it was about hair and makeup. The introduction was about how the person who wrote it said that her perfect world would go about life with a perfectly made up face because "women out there should make an effort to wear makeup (even if it's just a little mascara and blush), cover up blemishes (because nobody likes seeing those) and take the time to properly groom."

The first on the list of Do's and Don'ts of Makeup was:

"NEVER, NEVER, NEVER wear blue eyeshadow. I see too many wearing it, thinking it brings out their eyes or that it makes them stand out. Well, it does make you stand out, but not in a good way. Do you want to look like Mimi from The Drew Carey Show?"

I have on blue eyeshadow today. and TRUST ME! I do NOT look like Mimi from The Drew Carey Show. Why must they do this? Try to say that you can't be you, if it means that you can't wear blue eyeshadow, because people think you are a freak. And why is it that suddenly what everyone (especially your CHRISTIAN peers) thinks is more important than what you think of yourself, and more importantly what GOD thinks of you. It breaks my heart. They go on to attack:

dramatic day looks,

"over-the-top" trendy looks (cus it shows you aren't comfortable in your own skin... WHAT?!),

lip liner (sorry Mary Kay, apparently you aren't cool anymore...),

frosty makeup

and dramatic eyeliner.

It's so sad...

Then comes the Hair Attacks or "Tips".

Bangs are "in", poofy hair, ouuttt!

Blended or one colored hair, good.

Hats=LAZINESS.

Straight hair is great, but its gotta have texture and "bounce".

And take advantage of curly hair and don't straighten it.

And when it comes to product, less is more.

"Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart."

It saddens me how we have a whole page on how to look on the outside but not to take care of our inside. What is this world coming to?

To tell you the truth, I wear makeup because I'm NOT comfortable in my own skin. Some days its because I am too tired but honestly, I think it takes more courage to walk out the door without mascara (blonde's, you know what I'm talkin about) or foundation.

Ladies, we woke up beautiful this morning. (My bangs, were having a party on my forehead, but I know that I woke up beautiful (in a non-egotistical way)) We were made beautiful. No, I'm not talking about the long shining hair, size 0, big lips, big chest, etc. that the world says is beautiful. You are beautiful because of the Savior who created you and lives in you. You were made beautiful. You woke up beautiful this morning. You are loved and are ravishing in your own skin, freaky bangs, blue eyeshadow and skater shoes with dresses and all.

"Dear Beautiful, Delightful Beloved,

Good Morning!

I hope you enjoy this lovely day that you have awakened to, I made it just for you.

Don't forget my passionate love for you and the wonderful plans I have for you.

Enjoy your day, no matter what it holds, I am holding you and loving you.

I am always here, singing and dancing over you.

Love like I love you.

With boundless and unfathomable Love,

Your Passionate, Loving Savior."

Thanks for reading my blogs :)

Have a Beautiful and Lovely day <3

Amy :)

I may be Torn, but I'm Never alone, and Neither are You...

I am really homesick right now...

I miss my family and friends and just the familiarity of it all. Today school got closed for spring snow blizzards. If you are from CA, its that white fluffy stuff that some of you have never seen ;) They are expecting 6-12+ inches of snow... oh to at least SEE some snow right now. I've been deprived this past year I guess ;)

But to be honest, I don't know if going back home will cure me of homesickness. Things change, I change. I anticipate going home in may but at the same time, kind of dread having to move back totally back home. This past year has been wonderful, being on my own. Plus, i don't know how all of my stuff will fit in my room... ;) But most of all, I dread leaving this wonderful and beautiful place full of Christ followers in community. The friends I have made here are such an extreme blessing that leaving here and not seeing them and enjoying and experiencing life with them saddens me greatly; especially when there is the possibility of not returning to CBU next fall.

So this leaves me torn. Torn between two places I call home and I wonder if I will ever truly be content anywhere here on earth. But one thing that I am extremely grateful for beyond belief is the certainty that wherever I go, however torn I feel when it comes to being home and the people that I love, I know I never go alone. My Savior and Loving Lord walks with me every step of the way, showing me which way to go, showing me what it means to live like He lived, love like He loves, and suffer as He did, showing me what it means when he came to give us "life and life to the full."

He is my Comfort,

He is my Peace,

He is my Love.

He is my Hope,

He is my Purpose,

He is the Reason I live,

He is the Name I live and die to glorify.

He is my Life.

I pray He becomes my ALL.

I pray that I become non-existent in the presence of Christ in my life.

I pray that I am consumed by His love and all that He is and wants for me.

but I know I am never alone.

One of my favorite songs right now is by Mat Kearney called Call Me.

I want this to be a song to my friends to know that through everything, I will be here.

But as I listen to it again and realize how my humanity may cause me to not keep my promise to my friends, only Christ.

I now listen to the chorus anew:

"When the morning sun comes

You'll know I didn't run

'Cause when the rain came

It still never changed

Through the laughter and the tears

The pain and my fears

I'll stay, I'll wait right here"

I so long to be this kind of friend to those around me.

But I know that even if I can't, Christ can (though God doesn't get scared ;)).

while I try to be this friend to you,

let this resonate in you and realize that He never leaves your side.

Thanks for reading again :)

I have just felt the desire to write lately.

who knows... I may blog again tomorrow :)

I'm thinkin a few Song Blogs are due :)

Grateful for what God has done,

Amy <3

I think God has a Crush on me, Maybe <3

Hello My Readers :)

I hope you are having a wonderful day :)

Its a wonderful, beautiful day here in Riverside, not a cloud in the sky and you could easily get away with shorts.

Spring is here. :)

I feel full of joy right now.

I have taken steps with my Savior to overcome my masks and the things that have caused this joy to diminish lately. Of course, thats not how it should be.

I should find "joy in suffering" but often, I find my humanness becoming a magnet for the downside of things.

I forget to be grateful for the little things that brighten my day:

sunshine,

a smile, chat, laughter or a hug from dear friends,

the laughter of my mother,

the "love" competitions with my brother,

phone conversations with my sister,

messages from my father,

favorite songs that lift me up and remind me I'm not alone,

learning more about how God made things to be,

the anticipation of being with God,

the excitement of what God has done, is doing, and will do,

the security of His hopes and love,

the desire to see the world,

a good make-up, outfit and hair day,

taking pictures,

writing,

reading,

walking,

laughing and smiling,

and all wrapped up in a new and refreshed day from my Loving and Pursuing Savior.

I can't wait to go home. I leave for home on May 2.

(at least that's the plan for right now :))

I can't wait to see my family and friends and the place I call home.

Can we say countdown? ;)

I love music :) I'm pretty sure i couldn't go a day without it :) As you've probably gathered with my Song blogs :) here are some of the songs that have been making me smile:

Mat Kearney - Call Me (unreleased-on Imeem.com), and Tomorrow (sad song and also unreleased)

Five for Fighting- The Riddle and Superman

Trading Yesterday- May I, Desert Lands, and She is the Sunlight

Angels and Airwaves- Little's Enough

The Fray- Ungodly Hour, Never Say Never, and Enough for Now. (kinda sad but beautiful music)

I am on the road to love; to know and understand what real love is, and learn to love how I can act that out. I hope and pray to represent the Ultimate Lover, Christ, in hopes of breaking down the walls of hatred and revenge that others have built against each other, because "I am BANKRUPT without LOVE..."

So maybe this isn't just joy, maybe this is what it feels like when I know love and let Christ love me. As I was taking a step today with my counselor to work through my masks, this quote came up: "Nothing you do can make God love you more or less." He loves me because of who I am to Him, his child that He created and died for. Regardless of what I desire or do, or say, or believe, He never stops loving me. THAT is the Love I want to know.

Again, thank you for reading, I am blessed to know that some people actually read my "ramblings" as confusing as they may be :) I cannot begin to express the thanks to those who have and are blessings in my life right now. I thank God for all of you. :) you make my heart smile :)

As I have read this over, you know, to make sure I don't start sounding like a loopy crazy maniac, I have realized, as my roommate puts it, God must have a crush on me. :) (haha) He's got one on you too :) hope you can realize it too :)

Love you all <3

Amy <3>

My Radical, Loving and possibly Communist Christ that I follow

So its been quite some time :)

OOOOPPPPSSS :)

Alot has gone on in the past few weeks, spring break, stress week, and some INTERESTING things back home, not to mention in my own life.

Over spring break, mainly this past weekend, I had to read Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne for my Global Studies class. First off, Global Studies is thus far, my favorite class that i have ever taken. It challenges me to take a different look at Christianity, a look, not at how it is now, but how it was meant to be according to the bible and Christ. Often times when i leave that class, I am fired up to do something with my life for Christ.

This book that we were supposed to read, I will recommend it to anyone. Some call it communistic, others call it radical. Honestly, i think that it's how Christianity was meant to be. Shane Claiborne doesn't live a life of wealth. He makes his own clothes, he looks like a hippie. He doesn't seem to have things figured out or high on the list of people-to-take-serious list. But he sees and lives out the things that go in one ear and out the other often times as Christians. Rich Mullins once said after pointing out how we proclaim we MUST be born again but ignore that we must give away all that we have, "I guess that’s why God invented highlighters, so we can highlight the parts we like and ignore the rest." Shane must look for the white areas.

Shane is anti-war. He has seen the innocent faces of war. He sees the white words of "those who pick up their sword will die by it" and "love your enemies" and lives accordingly.

The point of loving everyone, the point of seeing humanity as beautiful creations loved by God, the point of giving God your all, are extremely stressed in this book, and i think they are points that aren't stressed very often. To tell you the truth, I have often gotten tired of Christianity. As I attempt to get to know my Savior and His word, I find how flawed the religion that is named after Him is and how UNLIKE Him it is. This breaks my heart. Christians are to be HATED, not accepted by the world. We are called to be the light, a fire, to the world, not a little candle that can be hidden in the midst of complacency and the things that this world can offer. We have remembered we should "become all things to all people" but in the midst of that, we have forgotten the one we were called to represent all along. I am not saying that Christianity is far gone or that it is all bad. But i am greatly disappointed in it. We often say one thing and do another, not letting Christ CONSUME us, till "US" is no longer existent within us and the world. Christianity isn't about comfort or conformity. Its about being hated and yet still loving. Its about people looking us into our eyes and our lives, and declaring NAMASTE, which means "I see the Holy One who lives in you." Its realizing that we were created to live and die to bring glory to this Radical Jesus we live for.

Was Jesus communistic? If by communistic you mean giving to the poor what the rich has had, then yes. For most of my life, i thought that communism was horrible. Why give to those who didn't work enough what others who had worked very hard for had? Then when Christ demands us to give away all we have and follow him, to give away what we work hard for to those of us who are less fortunate, (and lets face it. if you are American, you are in the top 2% of the wealthiest people in the world... someone is less fortunate) it would probably be in our best interest to give what we have. Shane puts it this way: one day there will be a huge banquet with God. He would love to have all of his children there, but he doesn't want to deal with the baggage. ;)

Often times we forget that in the times of Jesus, He was considered extremely radical. He broke the biggies of the Law that Daddy, Abba, set for His people a lonnnggg time before Him. He touched lepers, healed on the Sabbath, trashed the temple, told people to forget thier families, claimed to be God or His Son, He pretty much made the religious leaders out to be bad guys, told people not to bury their dead, talked about mustard, and told people that their definition of "unclean" was messed up, and yet he never sinned. Jesus was a troublemaker. That's what's amazing about Jesus though. He broke down the walls of religion. He didn't offer wealth or power to his disciples, though many thought he would.

He told us:

Leave it all and "follow me."

Leave all you have and enter into a relationship with me.

See how I will live and live accordingly.

See how I die for you and prove my boundless love and be willing to die the same.

See how I am hated and be willing to be hated just like me, but never forget to love.

Love as I have loved, love your enemies, love all those you come in contact with, even those you don't.

You may die, in fact, many of you will, for my namesake and its glory.

Give all you have and enter into a relationship with me and love.

I realize now that Christianity doesn't mean certainty & comfort; but a life full of uncertainty & danger, with a Savior in whom I can find safety & purpose. Christ never promised ease, or love in return from those we love; but we are called to love and shine and make our life worthy of teh call, the call to leave it all, to love, to enter into a relationship with Christ.

I have so much more i want to say, but i will end this one now. :) Thanks for reading :)

- Amy :) <3

"So, no matter what I say, what I believe, what I do, I am BANKRUPT without LOVE."

Desert Land Wanderers

Desert Lands
Trading Yesterday

Standing alone with my heart in your hands

Longing to just breathe you in

You traded our love for a life of desert lands

Giving yourself away again

But I will give my life to win your heart

And I will tear apart my soul

I'll give away all I know to bring you home

For all that is true, for all of the way

With all of my life

You hold my heart, you have my love

You are my bride

Without a goodbye a passion of lies

Steals you away

The thirst of desire is drawing you in

But the memories of white, the garden

Of life is taken away

But I'm fighting to hold you again

So I will give my life to win your heart

And I will tear apart my soul

I'll give away all I know to bring you home

For all that is true, for all of the way

With all of my life

You hold my heart, you have my love

You are my bride

Nothing can shatter the promise I

Made to you

Our love will make you whole

I will be faithful, dying to be with you

I will not let you go

But I will give my life to win your heart

And I will tear apart my soul

I'll give away all I know to bring you home

For all that is true, for all of the way

With all of my life

You are my love, you are my church

You are my bride.

This song amazes me. Its echos in my soul and reminds me of Christ's pursuit of us, the ones who search for lies and Desert Lands when there are truths and lush Gardens for us.

"But I will give my life to win your heart..."

My friends, my loved ones, don't let these words go in one ear and out the other. let it resonate in you and let Christ sing this over you as He delights in you and you in Him. (Zeph. 3:17)

(here a link to the song... enjoy and let it resonate)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYgMCm7FNCw

I'm Not Who I Was...

OK here it is... kind of my reflection of 2008 :) bear with me, its quite long...
As 2009 has begun, I have come to realize something…
2008 was the strangest, most unexpected, most life changing, most difficult and yet best year of my life.
I never expected many of the things that happened to happen. Sure, I expected to graduate, that is if I didn't die in the process of writing my senior thesis, and I figured I would be off to CBU in the fall. Yes those things happened, my thesis didn't kill me. :) but the things that did happen that I DIDN'T expect, changed me so much. From unexpected friendships, deeper friendships, to the realization of the necessity of my Savior and the loss of a friend or few, I know that this year has shaped me more than ever. As Brandon Heath says or sings actually, "I wish you could see me now/I wish I could show you how/ I'm not who I was." Great song by the way :) but it is so true. If I could sum up my year in one song or in one line, it could possibly be this one.
I have experienced pain, pain I didn't know it was possible; care, to the extent I didn't know that I could; and a thirst, a thirst I for my Savior. Whether it was losing friends or growing farther from some, it revealed deeper friendships and new friendships were formed that I don't know where I would be without. Most of those friends I don't know if they have realized and my words probably wouldn't express it well enough. But one day you will see. If not here on earth by me, then by Christ when you are brought before Him and he shows you all the lives that were changed because of you. Personally, I hope to be there for the latter, to see the realization in your eyes and the joy on Christ's face :) Till then, I am blessed to know you.
I have realized pain is one of the best things that shapes a person. It feels horrible but if we can only see that God has a purpose for it, life will never be the same, the pain will never be the same. The bible talks of turning our ashes, the pain in our lives to something Beautiful. I think that that is what happens in pain. Yes we may receive heavenly riches but we become that Something Beautiful if we allow Christ to use our pain. A favorite song of mine recently is "When The Time Comes" by The Classic Crime. In it there is a line that says, "When the time comes, to put my hands on the table, they are examined for what they are." take it as you may, but how I see this is one day, our hands will be examined; for the pain, the years, and our experiences and our reactions and actions to those things. We are to be held accountable. We are given everything that we experience for a reason. How did those things affect you? Are you going to let the pain and pressures you face in this world tear you down and crumble you? Or are you going to let the pain and pressure form you into a beautiful diamond in the rough or the purest gold in the refiner's fire? There is a reason for the pain.
I have realized a deeper part of me that I didn't know I was. I have found I am my biggest critic. I have found the desires of my heart. I have found that I the things that I desire are not what the world wants, though I do have my moments of earthly desires. I don't say that to sound self righteous or anything, I hate that. This is a product of pain, the realization that I am nothing without my Savior. A future without Him would be unfathomable.
I have realized that though I have a better idea of the desires of my heart, I don't know what I want to do with them, or more specifically what God wants to do with them. If I looked back on my life 3 years ago, I think it would be black and white in comparison. Sure, I am the same in how I act in some ways and some things that God has given me talent in surfaced some but in the past two years have been the pursuit of him and his plans and my reaction to myself and those around me.
I have realized the necessity of being real and the necessity of integrity in friendships and relationships. Honesty with people, though it can be hard, is one of the best things you can give. Why hide behind someone you aren't? you are made to be YOU, the way that God fearfully and wonderfully made you and is shaping you. why be someone else when you cannot help being you? You cannot live a double life the rest of your life and its very hard to live to be someone you aren't. why not be you? Others won't like it? That shouldn't matter (and it doesn't, its hard to get to that point where we don't care what they say) since God made YOU for HIM! This is about you and Him first, THEN everyone else, not the other way around. God takes you as you are but you must get real! Be the same person on the inside as you are on the out. Be the same person around everyone. Be real before your Savior, he knows the real you anyways :)
I have realized that perfection is humanly impossible to reach. Face it, we messed up. But my friends, we aren't called to be perfect, just serve a Perfect God. I have realized these things:
1. God is Perfect

2. God's Plan is perfect
3. God's Purpose for Me is Perfect

4. God's Timing is Perfect

5. And me? Well I am so not!
Its because of 5 that helps me appreciate 1 even more. And because I appreciate him and adore him, I can be grateful for 2-4.
I have realized how fragile life is. How though we can hide it, we are broken. This is why being real is so important. And if things are broken, we MUST let God work. Let HIM come in with healing. There is this phrase I have heard, " behind every girl with a broken heart is a guy with a glue gun." lets look at it a different way shall we? "behind ever person with a broken heart, is a God with a glue gun." but this isn't just any glue gun. This glue gun holds glue full of love and grace and mercy and compassion and forgiveness; Full of Christ's sacrificial love. Only he can put the pieces back together. They aren't always how they were before, he shapes us through our pain, through our brokenness. This is the beauty of pain.
We don't go through pain alone though. With Christ, he makes it worth it and so bearable. When we are weak, he is our strength. He is the only way that anything good can come from it. So those burdens you are bearing, that pain that tears at your soul, leaving a huge hole, he can heal it. Only he can take the pain and make good from it. He makes it so good that we stand back and cant help but say:

"The Lord has done this, it is marvelous in our eyes" (Ps. 118:23)
So friend, take heart. :) Don't lose Hope in Christ. You breathe in more than oxygen when you take a breath. You breathe in Purpose. With giving you another breath, he says "I'm not done with you yet."
I love you all and thank you for reading :)
Especially this one, so long and with all my ramblings :)
God bless and Make this day and Breath count. :)
Amy :)