The Mystery of Me

The other day, my dad told me that I was a mystery to him and my mom. In a way, I understood what he was saying, because, to myself, I am a mystery. But I think I always thought I was this open book, you know? Like everyone could see what I tried to hide or that everything that was bothering was written all over my face but somehow, people were too oblivious to notice. Honestly, I don't know what to make of this realization. This fact that I am a mystery. I have friends who think they "know me" and mindfully I shake my head and think of how little they truly do know me. Why is this? Well I don't know for sure. Its kind of like violence, (I'm taking a culture and violence class, bear with my weird analogies). There are biological, social and learned aspects that contribute to the cause of violence as a whole. Same it is with me. Why don't people know me? Why don't I LET people know me? Is it because I find it hard to trust people? Possibly. Am I scared of people's opinions of me? Possibly. Will I or anyone else really know me? Possibly. Does my mask work that well, that people don't really know me? Possibly. If you ask me, I say that all of these play roles in the mystery of me. Along the way, some of my friends have given me nicknames like "Continuous Delight" and "Sunshine". I have often been thrown off guard by these names. I know sides of me most people don't, and I will be the first to admit that. And I've let them only see those sides. I've stated before that there must be a problem when our inner feelings come out, betraying us in sorts. In ways, I sort of still believe this. But at the same time, I wish my feelings betrayed me more. It would mean my mask wasn't working and that I could TRULY be myself. Not this made up presented person that I want people to know and like. I want to be ME, not some masked person pretending to "me". I want to live a life of integrity and honesty and love. That’s all I know. I don't know how I will get from who I am now, to who I want to be. I don't have all the answers. I feel like I'm fooling so many people. As I have said before, I am my own pet peeve. I want to be true. And maybe in time, I may find answers, I hope and pray to God that I do. Until then, please pray and hope with me that we become people of integrity and love.

Amy <3