Friday, February 20, 2009

I'm Not Who I Was...

OK here it is... kind of my reflection of 2008 :) bear with me, its quite long...
As 2009 has begun, I have come to realize something…
2008 was the strangest, most unexpected, most life changing, most difficult and yet best year of my life.
I never expected many of the things that happened to happen. Sure, I expected to graduate, that is if I didn't die in the process of writing my senior thesis, and I figured I would be off to CBU in the fall. Yes those things happened, my thesis didn't kill me. :) but the things that did happen that I DIDN'T expect, changed me so much. From unexpected friendships, deeper friendships, to the realization of the necessity of my Savior and the loss of a friend or few, I know that this year has shaped me more than ever. As Brandon Heath says or sings actually, "I wish you could see me now/I wish I could show you how/ I'm not who I was." Great song by the way :) but it is so true. If I could sum up my year in one song or in one line, it could possibly be this one.
I have experienced pain, pain I didn't know it was possible; care, to the extent I didn't know that I could; and a thirst, a thirst I for my Savior. Whether it was losing friends or growing farther from some, it revealed deeper friendships and new friendships were formed that I don't know where I would be without. Most of those friends I don't know if they have realized and my words probably wouldn't express it well enough. But one day you will see. If not here on earth by me, then by Christ when you are brought before Him and he shows you all the lives that were changed because of you. Personally, I hope to be there for the latter, to see the realization in your eyes and the joy on Christ's face :) Till then, I am blessed to know you.
I have realized pain is one of the best things that shapes a person. It feels horrible but if we can only see that God has a purpose for it, life will never be the same, the pain will never be the same. The bible talks of turning our ashes, the pain in our lives to something Beautiful. I think that that is what happens in pain. Yes we may receive heavenly riches but we become that Something Beautiful if we allow Christ to use our pain. A favorite song of mine recently is "When The Time Comes" by The Classic Crime. In it there is a line that says, "When the time comes, to put my hands on the table, they are examined for what they are." take it as you may, but how I see this is one day, our hands will be examined; for the pain, the years, and our experiences and our reactions and actions to those things. We are to be held accountable. We are given everything that we experience for a reason. How did those things affect you? Are you going to let the pain and pressures you face in this world tear you down and crumble you? Or are you going to let the pain and pressure form you into a beautiful diamond in the rough or the purest gold in the refiner's fire? There is a reason for the pain.
I have realized a deeper part of me that I didn't know I was. I have found I am my biggest critic. I have found the desires of my heart. I have found that I the things that I desire are not what the world wants, though I do have my moments of earthly desires. I don't say that to sound self righteous or anything, I hate that. This is a product of pain, the realization that I am nothing without my Savior. A future without Him would be unfathomable.
I have realized that though I have a better idea of the desires of my heart, I don't know what I want to do with them, or more specifically what God wants to do with them. If I looked back on my life 3 years ago, I think it would be black and white in comparison. Sure, I am the same in how I act in some ways and some things that God has given me talent in surfaced some but in the past two years have been the pursuit of him and his plans and my reaction to myself and those around me.
I have realized the necessity of being real and the necessity of integrity in friendships and relationships. Honesty with people, though it can be hard, is one of the best things you can give. Why hide behind someone you aren't? you are made to be YOU, the way that God fearfully and wonderfully made you and is shaping you. why be someone else when you cannot help being you? You cannot live a double life the rest of your life and its very hard to live to be someone you aren't. why not be you? Others won't like it? That shouldn't matter (and it doesn't, its hard to get to that point where we don't care what they say) since God made YOU for HIM! This is about you and Him first, THEN everyone else, not the other way around. God takes you as you are but you must get real! Be the same person on the inside as you are on the out. Be the same person around everyone. Be real before your Savior, he knows the real you anyways :)
I have realized that perfection is humanly impossible to reach. Face it, we messed up. But my friends, we aren't called to be perfect, just serve a Perfect God. I have realized these things:
1. God is Perfect
2. God's Plan is perfect
3. God's Purpose for Me is Perfect
4. God's Timing is Perfect
5. And me? Well I am so not!
Its because of 5 that helps me appreciate 1 even more. And because I appreciate him and adore him, I can be grateful for 2-4.
I have realized how fragile life is. How though we can hide it, we are broken. This is why being real is so important. And if things are broken, we MUST let God work. Let HIM come in with healing. There is this phrase I have heard, " behind every girl with a broken heart is a guy with a glue gun." lets look at it a different way shall we? "behind ever person with a broken heart, is a God with a glue gun." but this isn't just any glue gun. This glue gun holds glue full of love and grace and mercy and compassion and forgiveness; Full of Christ's sacrificial love. Only he can put the pieces back together. They aren't always how they were before, he shapes us through our pain, through our brokenness. This is the beauty of pain.
We don't go through pain alone though. With Christ, he makes it worth it and so bearable. When we are weak, he is our strength. He is the only way that anything good can come from it. So those burdens you are bearing, that pain that tears at your soul, leaving a huge hole, he can heal it. Only he can take the pain and make good from it. He makes it so good that we stand back and cant help but say:
"The Lord has done this, it is marvelous in our eyes" (Ps. 118:23)
So friend, take heart. :) Don't lose Hope in Christ. You breathe in more than oxygen when you take a breath. You breathe in Purpose. With giving you another breath, he says "I'm not done with you yet."
I love you all and thank you for reading :)
Especially this one, so long and with all my ramblings :)
God bless and Make this day and Breath count. :)
Amy :)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Hello, My name is Amy and I am not Superwoman!

Computer-less+ Blogging Mode= Badddd and Unfortunate Combo.
ive got about 3 blog ideas swimming in my brain right now.
One is about the Superman complex.
One is about a song
One is... oh dang... that one swam to the deep side of my brain where i will Suddenly recollect... in quite some time...
haha yup.
Ohhh the joys of having Inspiration and no computer to spill them into.
Im going to cover this one about the Superman complex.
OHHHH OHHH! i remember the last one.
the Frailty of life... thats one i have wanted to write about but i don't know if thats THE one... we will have to see :)
Oh yeah.
So I have this thing about helping people.
No matter what has happened or is going on,
most times, when my Friends or family are in need or in pain,
Just like Super(man) I want to drop what I am doing to go help.
and just like Superman, I think that only I can save them.
Many times, with this latter mindset, I often feel quite the opposite of Superman.
Especially when I myself can't do a thing about it.
Or even worse, when I know what Can help but I am out of my power to do so or the person i am helping doesn't seem to want the solution.
So often I forget that i wasn't made to be SUPERWOMAN (Duh Duh DUNNNN!)
but rather, Christ is the only SUPERMAN. in fact, He's beyond Superman.
I forget that my power is the same as if i tried to use a AAA battery to run a Plane or Rocket or something.
Doesn't work right?
Right. Only His power can make it work.
"With God, all things are possible."
its not God AND YOU. its GOD. just GOD.
He is at work, showing his power, seeking His glory, all on his own.
In our own lives,
WE forget that we aren't Superperson.
we think, oh we will be JUST FINE!
My trials made me Stronger.
Not necessarily. Christ made you stronger because YOU COULDN'T do it.
Right now,
Im learning and reminding myself that
he's the only one who can help us.
You cannot save yourself.
As i have looked back at the moments of difficulty in my life the past year or so,
the moments where i felt helpless and uncertain,
Somehow i am here today.
He is that Somehow.
When we realize we aren't Superperson,
We can realize how much of a SuperGod He is
and stand back and be AMAZED.
So stand back and be Amazed.
Let him be your Strength.
Let Him be your Rescue.
then you can fully understand when He says:
"I have spared you for this very purpose,
that I may show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."
(Exodus 9:16)
Amazing, HUH?!
Let us stand in awe together, Today :)
More to come,
Thanks for reading :)
From one Non-Superperson to another,
God bless and enjoy your day of Purpose :)
Amy :)

Sunday, February 15, 2009

My First 'R' Rated Movie.

Well here I sit in the campus Library, typing away...
My poor laptop has been with IT since Wednesday.
I miss it. I have a blog already written out and everything on it...
All my music, my writings, all on my laptop.
But I wanted you to know that i will post another blog soon :)
So on the Eve of Valentine's Day, or SAD for some,
I went with my good friends Faithie and Matt to see the movie Slumdog Millionaire.
I want it to be noted that i NEVER see rated R movies.
there is a reason for them being rated R and that typically gives me a reason not to see it :)
haha. I just don't want that kind of thing in my head.
I got to the theatre and what do you know, this movie was rated R.
This was going to be interesting.
for those of you who don't know what Slumdog Millionaire is about,
it is about an 18 year old orphan who grew up in the slums of India with little education and facing the world and its difficulties. He finds himself on India's version of America's "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" and answers them correctly, up to the second to last one, all based on his experiences that life has brought him. When the session ends for the day, right before the last question, he is taken in, accused of cheating. From then on, we see the young man grow up and witness the moments in his life that have alowed him to answer the questions, all the while, proving he did not cheat.
Although there is much language and some sexual content, i would recommend this movie to anyone. This movie puts life beyond our Christian, and even American bubble in perspective. it has become one of my favorites.
Does he win? well you will have to go see for yourself :)
But i would HIGHLY recommend this movie for anyone wanting to witness a taste of the world beyond their coastal doorstep :)
thanks for listening. :)
another post soon!!
God bless! LOVE YOUU!
Amy :)

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Oh, The Meaning of "I Love You"

<3 I wrote this a couple of days ago, and figured I would wait to post it until Valentines day. The day that is designated to the Romantic kind of Love and ends up reminding people that without this kind of love, they aren't loved at all. And though I haven't ever had a valentine, I know that I am loved. today, I want to tell you what love means to me. Real love.
One night, I was pondering what it meant to love someone. What do you mean when you tell someone "I love you"? What deep meaning does it hold? Why should that person hold onto those words that you utter? So commonly, "I love you" seems tossed around, losing a little something along the way. Like the passion behind it, the meaning behind it becomes a routine and before long they are only words in a moment. So I broke it down.
The word "love" has seemed to lose its meaning. Love has seemed to take on a romantic connotation. Love is so much more than that! The word "like" has taken on a life of its own as well. Love has been the level above like. If you don't full on Love a person, you say you like them, most commonly on a romantic standpoint. So when I am asked, "So, (there's always a so) do you like someone?" I want to answer back, "I like everyone! But in the narrow meaning you imply, no, I don't like someone in hopes to someday love them romantically." Love is God. Love is the moment when Christ gave his life. Love is the moment when God's pursuit of mankind after their fall began. Love is the God who never leaves. Love is more than just hearts on a page or three little words. Love is a mission, a purpose. Love cannot be described, though many times we have tried. It can be described just as much as God can fully be described and understood. But regardless of the unknown of love, I must love. As a Follower of Christ, I am called to love all just as Christ did, Just as God still does. I have found that love heals the wounds that time
Then I thought of the word "you". Who are you? are you just a person reading this in this one sole moment? A person who lacks feelings, experiences, a past, a future, a purpose? No, of course not. So when we say we love someone, we aren't talking to a person who is just a figure that brings us to somehow love them. They are a creation of God, just as we are. We are so much deeper than skin deep and so much more than the smile in a crowd or a laugh in a noisy room. As are they. When we say the word "you", with it comes the persons past, future, purpose and all that they are. Christ followers are called to love as Christ did; unconditional and relentlessly regardless of their past.
So I want you to know, I love you. not in a love, mushy, romantic way, but in a Jesus way. In a God way.
I'm not the only one either. I love you and so does Jesus, regardless. Nothing can keep you from the love of God.
Absolutely Nothing.
I am glad to have the opportunity to love you.
Till next time,I love you! <3

Sunday, February 08, 2009

I Need You

So here we go!
Another song Blog :)
This one has been a favorite
in my book for quite some time.
The piano in it makes me want
to learn piano for the sole purpose
of learning this song.
Im pretty sure I made my family
tired of this song cuz i listened
to it SOO much.
Little did i know that
it would hold so much meaning to me later on.
This song is called
"I Need You" by The Swift.
Check it out :)
if you don't have time now,
Read the lyrics:

My heart is restless in me
My wings are all worn out
I'm walking in the wilderness
And I cannot get out
I need You, Oh, I need You
Blessed Savior come
I need You, Oh, I need You
Fill the every longing in my soul

Oh, how I need You, Lord
I need Your perfect Word
With tearful eyes to see
The sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray
For all the thousand ways
That I have failed You just today

My bed is soaked with sadness
My sadness has no end
A downward spiral of despair
That I keep falling in
I need You, Oh, I need You
To You my soul shall fly
I need You, Oh, I need You
Yaweh, how I love You more than life


Your silence is like death to me
So won't You hear my desperate plea

Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys
They're all just passing by
It's not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I've been lifted higher
Yaweh's lifted me in His own strength

Oh, how I love You, Lord
I love Your perfect Word
With tearful eyes to see
The God who always will endure
Now I will celebrate
For all the thousand ways
That You have shown me grace
And made my heart in grace to stay
You've made my heart in grace to stay
Lord, make my heart in grace to stay

I need You, Oh, I need You

I love this song for so many reasons.
here are a few:
I love how it shows that only HE can save us.
He is the strength that gets us through.
He and his grace bring us from the valley of our sorrow.

If you haven't listened to it yet,
please take the time :)
i love the piano :)

As always,
thanks for reading, and listening in this case :)
You are all a blessing :)
Amy :)

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Product of when I find myself in Awe of God at 1:30 in the Morning...

so I was reading this in Job today.
As I was reading this,
I thought it was interesting how
gold and jewels and silver and iron, you know,
valuable things, come from the darkest of places...
They are hard to find and man rarely wants to go searching for them
because of the risk and the darkness.
Same it is with us.
God changes us the most in the darkness,
in the difficulties in our lives.
We can find so many hidden promises of God
and we can see who He is making us into.
Also He shapes us and molds us,
and like the those valuable metals,
He breaks away the dirt and the rock that surround us.
The Light goes into the darkness to find us because
even though we are covered in dirt and filth,
He finds value in us and works very hard to bring us into the light :)

Job 28
1 "There is a mine for silver
and a place where gold is refined.

2 Iron is taken from the earth,
and copper is smelted from ore.

3 Man puts an end to the darkness;
he searches the farthest recesses
for ore in the blackest darkness.

4 Far from where people dwell he cuts a shaft,
in places forgotten by the foot of man;
far from men he dangles and sways.

5 The earth, from which food comes,
is transformed below as by fire;

6 sapphires [a] come from its rocks,
and its dust contains nuggets of gold.

7 No bird of prey knows that hidden path,
no falcon's eye has seen it.

8 Proud beasts do not set foot on it,
and no lion prowls there.

9 Man's hand assaults the flinty rock
and lays bare the roots of the mountains.

10 He tunnels through the rock;
his eyes see all its treasures.

11 He searches [b] the sources of the rivers
and brings hidden things to light."

Well, anyways, I just wanted to share that :)
Yay for late-night random posts :) haha
now time for bed :)
thanks for reading :)
Ps. 118:23
Amy :)