Behind this Smile.

Can I be honest with you? To be honest, I don't care how you respond, I mean I care how you respond but I'm going to tell you anyways :) You know, I find it strangely ironic. I talk all the time about being honest. About being real. About unmasking and being true. But wah la! I am guilty of hypocrisy.

You know what bothers me?

When people who pretend to be ok and hunky dory.

When people take so much but give so little.

When people judge/smite people that they don't even know. Or only know from an biased standpoint.

When people just stop talking to you.

When people go to Disneyland with dirty hands and touch railing that I touch. ACH!

(ok that last one, don't know where that came from… OCD… definitely…)

I have been my own pet peeves at times. It's worse when I am my own pet peeve; I find myself peeved that I'm my peeve. ;)

All Joking aside, for a moment at least, I need to be seriously honest.

About two weeks ago, I sat in my doctor's office. Luckily my mom was there to kind of say what I was too sheepish to say. Somehow the conversation got onto the topic of depression. If you had asked me a year before, I'd have been completely confident in my denying any chance of my having depression. But as I sat there, I thought past the last few months, the last year even. There would be no denying this time.

No I wasn't about to commit suicide, an experience with a friend who had considered it during the past year confirmed that never being an option for me. I'd been on the opposite side, I knew how much it could hurt those in my life. It just goes to show that experiencing something horrible like that can help you make the right decisions.

But I was depressed. It was painstakingly obvious but I could see it. I hid it well. Partially because I was still in denial of my having it in the beginning. It started while I was at school. Off-set by homesickness or just a wave of discontent or rejection or loneliness. Sometimes it wasn't as bad as others. It wasn't a day-long kind of thing. It was something I just dealt with; mainly at night, by myself, maybe with a friend nearby if any. It wasn't like I had really any reason to be depressed. I mean, sure, there were things that could get me down, but not like this.

I was better when I was around people. I didn't always have to fake it. Things seemed to get better when I was around friends and people I cared about. Got my mind off of it. God used them as encouragement and joy.

There were some nights that were painstakingly harder. They were few but hard. I grew from them, trying to find some beauty out of the horrible experiences. Good thing, God teaches in the broad daylight and even more in the deep darkness.

I eventually decided to go to counseling, just to sort some things out that I had come to realize had affected me far more than they should have. I was there for a month and it seemed to help.

Soon my time at CBU came to a close. I got home and was sad for a while, knowing that my chances of returning to CBU, where I had received such growth and community and God focused time, were very slim. I didn't want to register for classes at the community college. After a while though, I finally did, and got a job. I was pretty good for a while.

But then I was fired the day before vacation. I knew I couldn't get a job at this rate. The rejection I guess you could say, threw me for a loop. I didn't want to go looking for a job. Maybe I did but I lacked the motivation. I was sleeping all the time, doing nothing with my day. I still do that.( I think I'm just lazy) But I was snapping at my family. Over the stupidest stuff. I was like a bomb or something. Like an on/off switch. Fine one minute, moody the next. I hated it. I began to feel out of my skin and mind. Like I didn't know myself anymore. I mean, people confuse me; but this was ridiculous. My mind was always going it seemed, like there was so much to go after but no time to pursue it. (maybe that’s why they say a woman's mind is like spaghetti. We just don't have the time to stay on the same noodle.) I was distant and disconnected; keeping to myself.

So when the doctor asked me about depression, I 'fessed up. My mom asked me later how I felt about it. When I answered my doctor, I wasn't looking for more medication, or really giving myself time to react emotionally; I simply wanted to do what I could to make sure I was ok and that I wouldn't hurt my family in the long or short run. I mean, I don't like the idea of being on "happy pills", as my sister calls them, but if it makes things a little bit better. My thinking in this case, "The end justifies the means".

There is one thing I must address though. I have found the most peace, the most comfort in Christ. When I actually come before him. (see my last entry) My new medication isn't a cure-all. In fact, I've had one of my worst nights after beginning to take it. I pulled out my bible and began to read. God gives me doses of the best cures to emotional and inner pain.

I've been emotionally hurt at the cost of others' selfishness and humor and pride and pain. I've been emotionally hurt by being judged and being told that that is how I must judge myself as well. Learning to overcome these hurts are all in the process of healing. But first I had to admit they were there. Now I am slowly moving on.

Some of you may be bothered that I was faking it. How could I, of all people, the person who, just 6 months ago told everyone to be honest, fake it? Well, to be honest, its because I don't know who really cares. Half the time, if I told the truth, people wouldn't care and the other half would think I was emo or something. (did you know that "emo" stands for "emotional"?) and half of the emo half would probably actually care. These are rough estimates here but I want to be honest when it counts. Plus sometimes, it allows me to put that reason why I'm not doing good, and see why I AM doing good.

It still bothers me that people pretend. A lot actually. But I've seen it in a new light. I see myself in a way that most people don't, I've come to realize. I don't always see the best in me. But I try to put the best me forward. I allow others to see it and they in return, can show me the best in me when all I see is the worst. Though pretending still bothers me, I just see it in a different way sometimes.

Well, this was probably the one main thing I wanted to be honest about. I am supposed to be sleeping right now. I couldn't sleep an hour ago so I came out to write this. Yes, I can't believe it took me an hour to write this. I am leaving in 6 hours to go back home. I am now tired enough to get some sleep. Oh Darn you late night Epiphanies that keep me from sleep! Good night! Thanks for reading and letting me be honest!

Amy <3