"Here"

Well I made it. I survived. I finished my first year of college.

And for some reason, I am still up at 3:30 am... I dunno...

This past year has been a blur.

By far the best year of my life.

Its been full of pain but that pain has made it something beautiful.

The people in my life have been nothing short of blessings.

And here I am, recollecting.

I never would have thought I would be here.

"Here" meaning many things right now; but "here" I am.

It is only by the inexplicable God that I serve and am falling in Love with

that I have reached this far.

His Strength, His Love, His Purpose, His Hope.

Thanks for your support.

I don't know what will happen in the year to come.

kind of makes me glad, I think.

This past year, I had plans.

Now its the things that I DIDN'T plan that will be with me forever.

I'm going to let God take this one,

with prayerful hope that His plan is to prosper me and glorify His name.

More to come, I'm sure :)

But surely not these 3 am rendezvous's ;)

Good night, Good morning.

You have awakened to beauty, don't waste it.

Beauty within; beauty around, make it count.

I'm going to go to bed...

Thanks for reading!

Amy :)

Writing epiphanies :)

So this is all i have to show for my day as far as writing goes... my papers have been failures. I wish my personal writing epiphanies would benefit those... oh well, thats what all-nighters are for :)

Here's a hint at what my epiphany was like :) maybe i will post it later. we will see :) im not done with it yet :)

I wordled...

my blog in a picture ;)

www.wordle.net/wrdl/761179/Smiling_Sunshine

checkit. ;)

Walking Palm Drive

Have you ever wanted something and didn't realize that you were handed it till later, when you really didn't know if you wanted it anymore? You can say I'm there. Last semester I so wanted to get out of here, here as in CBU. I felt confined, like I couldn't do anything significant with my life, staying where I was. I longed for the day that I walked down the palm tree-lined drive (appropriately named Palm Drive) and going on with my life. I longed to something big; not something that I did from the confines of my extremely nice campus. I longed to go. But I felt bound; bound by the need for money and the need for education and bound by the demands of society.
Don't get me wrong. I really like my classes here at CBU. I absolutely love the people that God has allowed me to meet while I was here. But inside a war rages. Through my classes and studies, my eyes have been opened to the world beyond these shores. A broken world. But I have lived in my bubble; my bubble where I want to live comfortably but yet I ache for the broken world. I have lived in my "Christian" bubble for so long that I can't wait to get out. I have had days where I am so disappointed in Christians who claim to be "not of this world" yet live so similar to those in the world that there is hardly a difference except for the label "Christian." We are supposed to be hated, supposed to stand out in such a way that people can't help but ask what is it that we have that they don't. we are supposed to love. There have been times this semester where I don't see it. People care more about what they wear to attract someone and to look good without realizing that someone was beaten because they didn't make their shirt fast enough. We are numb. My blinders are off and it tears me up inside to see how numb my fellow Christians are. I don't put myself on a pedestal. If it seems that way, then somehow I have said this wrong. I have my numb moments. I fear that when I have the opportunity to go out, that I will be afraid of being uncomfortable and become numb. I don't want to stay numb because numb hasn't changed the world.
So I was thinking today. At this point, I will be unable to return to CBU in the fall due to money. I hate it. I love the people I have met and I finally decided on what I was going to study (my studies aren't offered at other schools either…). To this day, I am still forming friendships. I have 16 days left till I arrive back in Colorado. I wish I could come back. I love this community that has come with Christ followers. But I realized something today… this is my opportunity. I wanted to get away from my Christian bubble and here's my chance. My heart's desire for the past few months has been to change lives in a big way and I feel like I can't do it here. I don't know, maybe its just the way I am. I feel that if I'm going to do something, its going to be in a big way. Big impact to the extreme. Call me extreme or radical. Either I let God mess up my life that has been numb, or I stay numb. I can't be both. This is the door that has been opened to me. I don't know what is through that door but this is how I will take my walk down Palm Drive so to speak. I don’t want to leave my friends behind. I am going to miss them terribly and fear that it will fall through the cracks. But my plans have never worked. If God has set these desires in me and has provided a way for me to leave (In a shoving sort of way) then I can't turn back. If there is anything I have learned in the past year is that God works and he works better than me. This past year has been the toughest yet the best year of my life because of what God has done through the "ugly packages." My friend Cesar told me once, "God wraps the most beautiful things in the ugliest of packages." He's right. I would never ask God to send me ugly packages but those ugly packages have been the best things in my life. Same it is with this. I don't want this ugly package of leaving some of the most wonderful people in my life because of money. I would never ask for that. But I'm leaving and God is doing something amazing. Inside this package is something beautiful. It’s the opportunity (I hope) to do something big and the freedom to get out there. Maybe one day, I will return to CBU. I hope so. But God is going to do something big through this.
Some of you may be excited for me leaving (mainly my CO people ;)) and some of you may be sad that I am leaving (mainly my CBU/CA people ). If you are excited, thanks I guess :) haha But understand that I will miss this place. I'm sure I will fight MANY urges to just hop a plane and come and visit. :) For those of you who are saddened, I am sad as well but in me, there is a peace. God's ways are perfect and I know that he has a perfect reason for this. You have all blessed my life here and I thank God for you. I may come back, I kind of hope so but we will have to see. In fact, if God still wants me here next year, (it could happen) he will provide a way :)
I love you all and I thank you for reading, once again :)
Amy <3

I feel Weird...

Today is one of those days. You know, one of those days where you just feel completely weird?
Well first off, its Day Without Shoes day by TOMS shoes. I'm not wearing shoes today. Because I'm not wearing shoes, I can't eat. I know what you are thinking- "Barefoot... Eating... Foot... Mouth...HUH?!" According to California Health regulations, we can't go into the Cafeteria barefoot. Don't ask me why. Somehow i got to get breakfast without them noticing my feet were naked. But to me, my grumbling tummy is the small price I can pay. You see, people die from being barefoot. Yes, DIE. Disease is common and fatal. Many have to walk miles to get food or water. Children can't go to school because they don't have shoes. And if they were here on the CBU campus, they couldn't eat here either. If they can't eat here, i won't. I could easily put on flip-flops for a couple of minutes so I can get some food. But in my heart, I just can't. I can give up a few meals because I'm barefoot today. I'm not dying like they are. Their life is far more important to me than my empty stomach.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUSTOe-fiyI&feature=player_embedded
Another reason why I feel weird today? I found out that the clothes that I am wearing today, my whole outfit actually, was made in sweatshops. If you don't know what sweatshops are, find out. Sweatshops are overseas factories run by store companies (mainly clothing companies) that abuse their workers. I first heard about them when I read Irresistible Revolution. The author told of a story of a little boy who worked in such a factory. He wasn't working hard enough. His overseer hit him on his face and he began to bleed. To keep the blood from getting everywhere and to get him back to work, the overseer puts a lighter to the bleeding wound to make it close up. The boy now has a scar across his face- the price he paid for the shirt on my back. I paid probably 6 dollars or so for my shirt ( I get most of my clothes on clearance). It was probably originally about 15. That child got 13 cents in a DAY. a DAY, not for my shirt, a DAY. My shirt caused him pain. I feel like my clothes are splattered with proverbial blood. Why have we let clothing become more important than a life? More important than a child who barely gets by and is considered lucky to make my shirt? I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to keep my clothes. part of me wants to get rid of them, because I played a role in allowing people to be abused for my shirt.
http://www.geocities.com/whydoyoukeepdeletingme/ASSLLeague.html
And then there's another thing. (well there could be a lot more things but this is it.) Since when did our safety take priority? I was talking to a girl from back home about how we really wanted to go back to Mexico. She informed me that our church, who frequently goes down to Juarez twice a year, may not go anymore indefinitely because IT'S NOT SAFE. I don't remember anywhere that Jesus said "Go when it is safe for you to go, your freed life is worth more than their lives bound by the chains of Satan." You tell me where that verse is, and i will shut up. Can't tell me, can you? Sure, Christ can tell us when it is safe to go and if not, not to, but Safety shouldn't be the deciding factor. Jesus Christ, the one who DIED for us, said "GO all the nations." he didn't say only the safe ones or when its easy. he says GO, Go regardless. Christ didn't promise life to be easy. He promised us to give us life to the full but not a life full according to the worlds standard. He didn't promise safety but he promised to protect us and be with us always, as we don the full armor of God because it's war. No, it's not easy, it's not safe. The sooner we realize that and live accordingly, the more we can be used by God.

Thanks again for reading.

I hope these are actually making people think.

love you all!

Amy <3

My Once Crying Heart Now Sings...

Today was a big day for me.

it was kind of one of the big ways I got to see God use the pain and turmoil that I faced four months ago... practically to the day. It will be four months ago tomorrow that one of the scariest nights of my life occurred when I feared for my friend's life. But here I am and they are alive. I serve a God that never ceases to amaze me. I have moments and hours and days that I just walk around in this awe-ful mood. Full of awe for what God has done in my life the past year because frankly, if I were to plan my life, it would put ME to sleep. God writes the plans of my life WAY better. I have no doubt especially now that "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it" and will fulfill his promise to bring you "life to the full." Trust your Maker. I know that's easier said than done but it will change your life (mess it up, whichever ;) ).

So about today :) I have been working on a research project in my English class this semester that is pretty much a reactive response to what happened those four months ago. The painful memories are a little bit easier to deal with today than they were when I first began writing this paper. Some moments I couldn't research or write anymore because it brought back such painful memories and put me in a state of a sort of depression. But here I am today. I presented my findings to my class today. it was on the degrees of self-mutilation ranging from tattooing and piercing to cutting. It wasn't a *happy* presentation; but it was needed. Four months ago, I wish that I had known these things. I want to create awareness and bring hope and love.

I didn't expect the outcome that I did. My teacher, who has been guiding me throughout this, responded well and so did my peers, which I was frankly surprised by. I was told it was great (and if you have experienced my speeches before, you know I'm not the next great speaker of America ;)) and that it made them think. I felt that the pain wasn't in vain, finally. That in a period of about 15 minutes, the pain found worth. I serve an amazing God. I still have to write the paper, but I think now that it has now things have found completion though I don't believe that God is done using this pain yet. Yes, I serve an amazing God. My heart sings. Only God can bring a heart that cried in fear and pain four months ago to bring it to sing in His Glory. My God is Amazing.

Ps. 118:23- "The Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes."

Thank you for reading and taking this journey with me,

Til next time,

Amy <3