Walking Palm Drive

Have you ever wanted something and didn't realize that you were handed it till later, when you really didn't know if you wanted it anymore? You can say I'm there. Last semester I so wanted to get out of here, here as in CBU. I felt confined, like I couldn't do anything significant with my life, staying where I was. I longed for the day that I walked down the palm tree-lined drive (appropriately named Palm Drive) and going on with my life. I longed to something big; not something that I did from the confines of my extremely nice campus. I longed to go. But I felt bound; bound by the need for money and the need for education and bound by the demands of society.
Don't get me wrong. I really like my classes here at CBU. I absolutely love the people that God has allowed me to meet while I was here. But inside a war rages. Through my classes and studies, my eyes have been opened to the world beyond these shores. A broken world. But I have lived in my bubble; my bubble where I want to live comfortably but yet I ache for the broken world. I have lived in my "Christian" bubble for so long that I can't wait to get out. I have had days where I am so disappointed in Christians who claim to be "not of this world" yet live so similar to those in the world that there is hardly a difference except for the label "Christian." We are supposed to be hated, supposed to stand out in such a way that people can't help but ask what is it that we have that they don't. we are supposed to love. There have been times this semester where I don't see it. People care more about what they wear to attract someone and to look good without realizing that someone was beaten because they didn't make their shirt fast enough. We are numb. My blinders are off and it tears me up inside to see how numb my fellow Christians are. I don't put myself on a pedestal. If it seems that way, then somehow I have said this wrong. I have my numb moments. I fear that when I have the opportunity to go out, that I will be afraid of being uncomfortable and become numb. I don't want to stay numb because numb hasn't changed the world.
So I was thinking today. At this point, I will be unable to return to CBU in the fall due to money. I hate it. I love the people I have met and I finally decided on what I was going to study (my studies aren't offered at other schools either…). To this day, I am still forming friendships. I have 16 days left till I arrive back in Colorado. I wish I could come back. I love this community that has come with Christ followers. But I realized something today… this is my opportunity. I wanted to get away from my Christian bubble and here's my chance. My heart's desire for the past few months has been to change lives in a big way and I feel like I can't do it here. I don't know, maybe its just the way I am. I feel that if I'm going to do something, its going to be in a big way. Big impact to the extreme. Call me extreme or radical. Either I let God mess up my life that has been numb, or I stay numb. I can't be both. This is the door that has been opened to me. I don't know what is through that door but this is how I will take my walk down Palm Drive so to speak. I don’t want to leave my friends behind. I am going to miss them terribly and fear that it will fall through the cracks. But my plans have never worked. If God has set these desires in me and has provided a way for me to leave (In a shoving sort of way) then I can't turn back. If there is anything I have learned in the past year is that God works and he works better than me. This past year has been the toughest yet the best year of my life because of what God has done through the "ugly packages." My friend Cesar told me once, "God wraps the most beautiful things in the ugliest of packages." He's right. I would never ask God to send me ugly packages but those ugly packages have been the best things in my life. Same it is with this. I don't want this ugly package of leaving some of the most wonderful people in my life because of money. I would never ask for that. But I'm leaving and God is doing something amazing. Inside this package is something beautiful. It’s the opportunity (I hope) to do something big and the freedom to get out there. Maybe one day, I will return to CBU. I hope so. But God is going to do something big through this.
Some of you may be excited for me leaving (mainly my CO people ;)) and some of you may be sad that I am leaving (mainly my CBU/CA people ). If you are excited, thanks I guess :) haha But understand that I will miss this place. I'm sure I will fight MANY urges to just hop a plane and come and visit. :) For those of you who are saddened, I am sad as well but in me, there is a peace. God's ways are perfect and I know that he has a perfect reason for this. You have all blessed my life here and I thank God for you. I may come back, I kind of hope so but we will have to see. In fact, if God still wants me here next year, (it could happen) he will provide a way :)
I love you all and I thank you for reading, once again :)
Amy <3